I have so many thoughts on this. This is a huge subject for me — one that I have grappled with for years. I do not have great financial success in my career, and I have even been on the receiving end of confusion from other men about my position in life. "I don't understand why you aren't working somewhere else and changing the world," One man told me.
I've made innumerable attempts to change careers, and most haven't gone well. I'm also very limited in what I can do, given my daily struggles with Bipolar disorder. So I'm constantly struggling to navigate the limits and boundaries life has given me. It often hurts, and I'm just as sensitive to status as any other man.
I think I've found worth in principles of compassion, service, discipline, and integrity. These internal principles keep me afloat. But they are definitely in a constant tug-of-war with external forms of status.
It is notable to me that, in one study of suicide notes left by men, the most common word used was "useless." Feeling useless is one of the single deadliest experiences for men. I don't think it's wrong for men to want to feel useful and successful. I think we need to examine what that means, as you do here.
For what it's worth, speaking of worth, I noticed how excited I felt when I saw the "Stephen Bradford Long commented" notification. I knew it would be something hearty, and I'm not shocked to find I was right. That's a measure of worth, IMHO.
Your point, that this feeling subsumes our distinctions as men (and humans, ultimately?), is so powerful. It feels like we're somehow alone in these feelings. We do feel them as a very local experience, but many of us are feeling them. We might be more like a room full of solists than a chorus, but we're singing the same song in our hearts.
Your other point, though, about what the world puts on us also lands.
People mean well when they vote for us with comments like, "Why [aren't you] working somewhere else and changing the world," but we are the ones who have to reconcile those well-intended sentiments with our lived reality.
We live with the introjections of others, which is what this essay is about. I don't think I'm responsible for the origins of this depressed feeling of worth, but I have to take ownership of its presence in this head now anyway. This is the hard part.
Thank you for the nod to Dickens in that last bit, even if it wasn't intentional. No one is useless who lightens the burdens of another. Perhaps I'll start spraypainting this everywhere, maybe catch a few suicidal folks before they go.
I appreciate the kind words! And I love the soloist-chorus concept.
I’ve personally found Stoicism to be a powerful counterweight to the external status games. It’s incredibly helpful for me. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t have its own problems, though.
I could respond to so much in this extraordinary article, but I'll just answer the question at the end.
I'm at a cross-roads in my own sense of self-worth. I think I was programmed with a well-meaning template early in life that a life worth living means being valuable, and being valuable as a man means being A) a husband, B) a father, C) a good employee, and D) other electives like volunteering, being engaged with communities, etc.
The valley I find myself in right now is that none of those sources of value make sense to me. I'm not a husband anymore, and I don't even know if I want to be a partner. I'm not a father, and I don't know if I ever will be. I'm not an employee, and I don't see that changing anytime soon.
Instead, more sources of meaning come from the D category. Engaging in communities. Coaching individuals, participating in groups. Traveling the world, seeing sights unseen.
The void is yawning right now. You feel that more acutely when you're out of your born national context (see me: an "expat?" from the US living in Germany). I feel comfortable and unafraid. And also, deeply sad in ways too profound for words. I write poems about it, and that helps put some shape to the grief.
As a side note for the non-dual facet of the conversation (who is the self that needs to be valuable?) - I'm becoming more convinced that the lack of self-worth can lead one to adopt the mystical frame of no-self absent a genuine, direct experience of selflessness. In fact, if one has failed to measure up to the cultural measures of what makes you valuable in society, this could be an appealing escape hatch. I see that more and more these days.
Love you, brother. Thanks for the space to inquire into this topic.
What strikes me from your reflection is what happens when we hold tightly on to anything, objects or concepts. One squeeze and I start to feel like Pepé Le Pew, grasping so intensely at my sweet, mon amour. And when I open my eyes, all I have is an idea and disappointment.
So many of the good things in life have come to me when I was actively not grasping. Top of the list, the wife, but also every dog we care for, Mexico, and even coaching by a much longer explanation.
Thanks for being here, brother JJ. I love you too.
You must teach others then, my friend. I think most of us just don't know. In the case of this writer, I seem to know better, and yet here I am. I can't lie. This is happening for me.
Thank you, Taylor. This is what it’s like to step into this space of mens work. It’s the open support of other men. This is what gratitude looks like. 🙏
I would be the only woman commenting here hahahahaha (maybe)
Very layered essay, Damon.
I'm a huge Dickens fan, and Bleak House was my favorite novel. It got whipped into me at the pre-university level.
Dickens was masterful at showing how true worth comes through our connections and care for others. Jo the crossing-sweeper had more humanity than most of the wealthy characters in that book. You inspired a post :)
Inspiring a post feels like as much of a win as hearing from a woman on this post. To be fair, my mother and wife may well chime in too. They often do because... biased. I take it as high praise every time you show up, Neela. 🙏
Thanks for noticing the layers. I'm trying to up my game.
Maybe we should worry less about how we try to value ourselves and look outward to how those around us value us. I recall driving 10 hours round trip to have breakfast with a guy that means the world to me. That guy should feel very valued. Now I don't know how this relates to masculinity, but it should boost one's self worth.
I'm with you on investing into my relationship with my wife. Hilariously (but not really), the time in my life I was most dedicated to pursuing financial success, in part because I felt it was my responsibility in the relationship, was also the period I was showing up in the worst possible way.
A lesson hard-earned, but not one I'll soon forget.
That resonates for me, too. I was a work-hard-play-hard guy when I was most successful. We would both get drunk and then bicker. Not every time, but often. Then we'd forget what the fight was about. And by the following weekend, the wheel would spin around.
In many ways, I'm still learning how to do this thing sober, something I didn't talk about in this essay. Perhaps I should have.
I appreciate you sharing so openly, Damon, and for leaving it up to the reader to draw their own conclusions. I'll bite. Any man who says he has never experienced his sense of worth increasing or decreasing, depending on his job, income and wealth, is either enlightened or asleep. I recall discussing this with a well-respected Buddhist teacher. He believed that it was important for a man to experience "success" in career and finances. And this, coming from a man who has devoted his life to understanding suffering and the end of suffering.
I often say, sometimes we have to slip off the edge to find it. This is what it seems like to me. I didn't believe there was an edge I could slip off until I did. That has created a kind of vigilance in response.
So loved this piece because it gets to the heart of what I’ve been exploring in my own midlife crisis cum depression. All of a sudden all the sources of worth have ironically decided to take a sabbatical at once - earnings - in the toilet - creativity- meh response from the world - parenting - 17 year old boys have an uncanny way of making you feel like a complete parenting failure - oh and then dating apps in your 50’s - that is zen master level “see if you can keep your center of worth”. I like Dickens quote but as a lifelong over giver I need to figure out how even that does become a form of “out sourcing my self worth.”
I have so many thoughts on this. This is a huge subject for me — one that I have grappled with for years. I do not have great financial success in my career, and I have even been on the receiving end of confusion from other men about my position in life. "I don't understand why you aren't working somewhere else and changing the world," One man told me.
I've made innumerable attempts to change careers, and most haven't gone well. I'm also very limited in what I can do, given my daily struggles with Bipolar disorder. So I'm constantly struggling to navigate the limits and boundaries life has given me. It often hurts, and I'm just as sensitive to status as any other man.
I think I've found worth in principles of compassion, service, discipline, and integrity. These internal principles keep me afloat. But they are definitely in a constant tug-of-war with external forms of status.
It is notable to me that, in one study of suicide notes left by men, the most common word used was "useless." Feeling useless is one of the single deadliest experiences for men. I don't think it's wrong for men to want to feel useful and successful. I think we need to examine what that means, as you do here.
For what it's worth, speaking of worth, I noticed how excited I felt when I saw the "Stephen Bradford Long commented" notification. I knew it would be something hearty, and I'm not shocked to find I was right. That's a measure of worth, IMHO.
Your point, that this feeling subsumes our distinctions as men (and humans, ultimately?), is so powerful. It feels like we're somehow alone in these feelings. We do feel them as a very local experience, but many of us are feeling them. We might be more like a room full of solists than a chorus, but we're singing the same song in our hearts.
Your other point, though, about what the world puts on us also lands.
People mean well when they vote for us with comments like, "Why [aren't you] working somewhere else and changing the world," but we are the ones who have to reconcile those well-intended sentiments with our lived reality.
We live with the introjections of others, which is what this essay is about. I don't think I'm responsible for the origins of this depressed feeling of worth, but I have to take ownership of its presence in this head now anyway. This is the hard part.
Thank you for the nod to Dickens in that last bit, even if it wasn't intentional. No one is useless who lightens the burdens of another. Perhaps I'll start spraypainting this everywhere, maybe catch a few suicidal folks before they go.
I appreciate you, Stephen. Thank you.
I appreciate the kind words! And I love the soloist-chorus concept.
I’ve personally found Stoicism to be a powerful counterweight to the external status games. It’s incredibly helpful for me. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t have its own problems, though.
I could respond to so much in this extraordinary article, but I'll just answer the question at the end.
I'm at a cross-roads in my own sense of self-worth. I think I was programmed with a well-meaning template early in life that a life worth living means being valuable, and being valuable as a man means being A) a husband, B) a father, C) a good employee, and D) other electives like volunteering, being engaged with communities, etc.
The valley I find myself in right now is that none of those sources of value make sense to me. I'm not a husband anymore, and I don't even know if I want to be a partner. I'm not a father, and I don't know if I ever will be. I'm not an employee, and I don't see that changing anytime soon.
Instead, more sources of meaning come from the D category. Engaging in communities. Coaching individuals, participating in groups. Traveling the world, seeing sights unseen.
The void is yawning right now. You feel that more acutely when you're out of your born national context (see me: an "expat?" from the US living in Germany). I feel comfortable and unafraid. And also, deeply sad in ways too profound for words. I write poems about it, and that helps put some shape to the grief.
As a side note for the non-dual facet of the conversation (who is the self that needs to be valuable?) - I'm becoming more convinced that the lack of self-worth can lead one to adopt the mystical frame of no-self absent a genuine, direct experience of selflessness. In fact, if one has failed to measure up to the cultural measures of what makes you valuable in society, this could be an appealing escape hatch. I see that more and more these days.
Love you, brother. Thanks for the space to inquire into this topic.
What strikes me from your reflection is what happens when we hold tightly on to anything, objects or concepts. One squeeze and I start to feel like Pepé Le Pew, grasping so intensely at my sweet, mon amour. And when I open my eyes, all I have is an idea and disappointment.
So many of the good things in life have come to me when I was actively not grasping. Top of the list, the wife, but also every dog we care for, Mexico, and even coaching by a much longer explanation.
Thanks for being here, brother JJ. I love you too.
Haunting question.
I've really struggled with this question throughout my life.
This is part of the performative pressure that men face and its what keeps them from experiencing their own authentic power.
I'm done chasing success, money, all of it and I'm happier for it.
You must teach others then, my friend. I think most of us just don't know. In the case of this writer, I seem to know better, and yet here I am. I can't lie. This is happening for me.
Thanks for showing up, Taylor. Appreciate you.
In all honesty I struggle too, but the answer lies in getting relational with success, money etc, instead of objectifying it.
If you want to explore that with me, dm me and let's set up a time to chat.
Thank you, Taylor. This is what it’s like to step into this space of mens work. It’s the open support of other men. This is what gratitude looks like. 🙏
I've got you brother and you've got me. This is what co-regulation for men looks like.
I would be the only woman commenting here hahahahaha (maybe)
Very layered essay, Damon.
I'm a huge Dickens fan, and Bleak House was my favorite novel. It got whipped into me at the pre-university level.
Dickens was masterful at showing how true worth comes through our connections and care for others. Jo the crossing-sweeper had more humanity than most of the wealthy characters in that book. You inspired a post :)
Happy Thursday.
Inspiring a post feels like as much of a win as hearing from a woman on this post. To be fair, my mother and wife may well chime in too. They often do because... biased. I take it as high praise every time you show up, Neela. 🙏
Thanks for noticing the layers. I'm trying to up my game.
I will be sure to peek at your comments tomorrow.
Your game is spot on my friend.
enjoy yah evening.
Just here to bring skirt #2 to the chat.
😳
Maybe we should worry less about how we try to value ourselves and look outward to how those around us value us. I recall driving 10 hours round trip to have breakfast with a guy that means the world to me. That guy should feel very valued. Now I don't know how this relates to masculinity, but it should boost one's self worth.
And you brought the maple syrup, handmade by yourself. Fair point, brother.
You're right. This is a far better metric. I wish it were that easy to tap into. I wish there weren't other (often louder) voices at play.
Thank you for the reminder. (Was it really ten hours? Sheesh!)
Cracking as always, Damon.
I'm with you on investing into my relationship with my wife. Hilariously (but not really), the time in my life I was most dedicated to pursuing financial success, in part because I felt it was my responsibility in the relationship, was also the period I was showing up in the worst possible way.
A lesson hard-earned, but not one I'll soon forget.
That resonates for me, too. I was a work-hard-play-hard guy when I was most successful. We would both get drunk and then bicker. Not every time, but often. Then we'd forget what the fight was about. And by the following weekend, the wheel would spin around.
In many ways, I'm still learning how to do this thing sober, something I didn't talk about in this essay. Perhaps I should have.
I wish I could lose the shame over what I just shared.
Yeah, it's eery how these themes can repeat for so long in the presence of substances. Something I can also relate to.
I appreciate you sharing so openly, Damon, and for leaving it up to the reader to draw their own conclusions. I'll bite. Any man who says he has never experienced his sense of worth increasing or decreasing, depending on his job, income and wealth, is either enlightened or asleep. I recall discussing this with a well-respected Buddhist teacher. He believed that it was important for a man to experience "success" in career and finances. And this, coming from a man who has devoted his life to understanding suffering and the end of suffering.
I often say, sometimes we have to slip off the edge to find it. This is what it seems like to me. I didn't believe there was an edge I could slip off until I did. That has created a kind of vigilance in response.
Thanks for being here, Ryan.
I came over from your other 'stack under duress... But I suppose it's ok after all and I'll stay a while 🧘🏼♀️
Hugs available, regionally.
(Thank you, Nadine)
So loved this piece because it gets to the heart of what I’ve been exploring in my own midlife crisis cum depression. All of a sudden all the sources of worth have ironically decided to take a sabbatical at once - earnings - in the toilet - creativity- meh response from the world - parenting - 17 year old boys have an uncanny way of making you feel like a complete parenting failure - oh and then dating apps in your 50’s - that is zen master level “see if you can keep your center of worth”. I like Dickens quote but as a lifelong over giver I need to figure out how even that does become a form of “out sourcing my self worth.”