You know, I feel honored to be a part of this piece in some way. Which points to how much I like being your friend.
My sense is that you're pointing to two truths at the same time - a problem can be both invitation to a solution to that problem, and a different way to relate to problems in general that changes the center of gravity for your experience of being human.
Memory challenges can potentially be fixed or at least softened through medical intervention, but there's also a way to do a "vertical development" move of relating to what comes up around that issue (in your case, rage and shame) that allows you to live from a more grounded, conscious, deep place. That vertical move creates a change that is enduring and ripples out to other aspects of life too. Something that makes the roller coaster of being alive a bit more gentler to experience.
I also assume that this vertical move of learning to relate to experience with more gentleness and care expands choice - how one can respond to this and future situations with increased grace.
All this to say - bravo, brother. Bravo for courageously looking at that which many are not even consciously aware could be looked at, and staying with the discomfort to allow yourself to sink more deeply into who you are.
It’s an honor to have you be a part of this essay, inasmuch as it’s an honor to share this time and space together.
This morning, I was just saying to Cristina how I’d like to evolve out of wishing for the time after, a la, “I’m looking forward to not waking up disregulated from this current move (of homes.”
Instead, I hope to soon look forward to feeling more resourced around being with the disregulation. I mean, it’s right here. I can feel this way of being, right here. Right now.
It's fun times in our household. I am peri-menopausal, and my husband is a very stressed 54-year-old lol. Work stuff - too many meetings - too many details.
We usually have a trivia night where we guess the song, usually from the 80s or 90s.
A light-hearted attempt to make fun of a situation.
For sure this can all be a source of entertainment. If I’m being honest, it’s more often than not something I roll my eyes at or laugh out loud. I seem to notice more often when it disregulates me, though.
1) I appreciate your AI caveat. I am going to add that to my posts. I learn a lot from how you structure your Substacks. So, thanks for that!
2) These pieces make me LOL: "Cue all the bros suggesting neurotropics, sleep, exercise, intermittent fasting, micro-dosing, and hyperbaric oxygen therapy. Hey, thanks, bros. I appreciate the intention, but I check more wellness boxes than most Silicon Valley CEOs." - Yes. I am a big antagonist to the overly influencer culture telling us we are not doing enough when we likely are if we are reading articles like this.
3) I appreciate how you always normalize these "taboo" topics - showing humanness. you are also incredibly good at reminding people that we cannot just "see through the pain" when it comes to traumatic things. I do not enjoy when people try to take really heavy things and overly simplify them - sometimes you do need a healer, therapist, coach, mentor to GUIDE YOU THROUGH your trauma or rage.
Hi, Kat! So happy to see your name pop up. Thank you for being here, and for your reflections on my essay. I take it as high praise. All of it.
This is so prevalent in the online space. Just do this thing (skill, hack, practice, yadda), and happiness will follow.
We seem to think more skills are what we need to feel whole, but if it was only about learning hacks and such, we’d all feel so fucking whole by now.
(Never mind that we already are whole, and have been all along.)
Until we reconcile ourselves with our parts, and I mean at least the one’s that are working the hardest to protect us, we’ll not likely onboard any of those skills in the first place.
Our protector parts will—in the name of good intentions—keep us from onboarding those skills almost every time.
Why? Why must this strike such a foul yet profound chord in me?
Anger and rage show up differently for me. At onset, my ears ring loudly, my jaw clenches and there is a muscle group around my ears and scalp that pull backward. There are clear relational lines I can draw from a fear of abandonment to triggers in my daily life.
Mine is trauma related. Perhaps knowing this makes targeted work more effective. I’ve been using EMDR to target the triggers and the results have proven to be literally life changing.
With regards to the memory issues, I like how you invoke impermanence to cope.
A recent mantra that I’ve found helpful with things that I cannot change is “I don’t have to take this on.” Meaning: I don’t have to carry this emotional weight of a thing I cannot change or fix.
For sure. Somatic experiences can be grouped together somewhat, but our individual relationships with them vary in the details. It’s for all the reasons.
Love that EMDR has worked for you. All methods work for some people, some of the time. Getting one to work is partially fortune. Bravo!
Discerning what’s out to onboard is a skill worth developing. Modern times seem to invite us to hold it all. This is simply not possible.
I love the magazine cover! Yes, we all have memory lapses from time to time. Do you ever have a discussion with your wife and you are both trying to remember the name of something and you can't? Then all of a sudden three days later it pops into your mind, you say the name or word you were trying to remember and your spouse says "yup, that is it". Happens to all of us. The real test though is what is the longest you have ever forgotten your laundry in the washer? Have you ever left it there long enough for it to be completely dry, stiff and beyond having any smell? It is all just part of life and we need to learn to roll with it. If we don't, it will drive us over the edge.
Not there on laundry yet, but I’m pretty good with using reminders. I’m sure it’s coming, though.
Yeah, we’ve experienced some version of all this. The one that’s been killing me is calling the dogs by the wrong name. I remember our father doing that as a kid. It’s ringing the bell of a part in me that’s hard to face.
You know, I feel honored to be a part of this piece in some way. Which points to how much I like being your friend.
My sense is that you're pointing to two truths at the same time - a problem can be both invitation to a solution to that problem, and a different way to relate to problems in general that changes the center of gravity for your experience of being human.
Memory challenges can potentially be fixed or at least softened through medical intervention, but there's also a way to do a "vertical development" move of relating to what comes up around that issue (in your case, rage and shame) that allows you to live from a more grounded, conscious, deep place. That vertical move creates a change that is enduring and ripples out to other aspects of life too. Something that makes the roller coaster of being alive a bit more gentler to experience.
I also assume that this vertical move of learning to relate to experience with more gentleness and care expands choice - how one can respond to this and future situations with increased grace.
All this to say - bravo, brother. Bravo for courageously looking at that which many are not even consciously aware could be looked at, and staying with the discomfort to allow yourself to sink more deeply into who you are.
It’s an honor to have you be a part of this essay, inasmuch as it’s an honor to share this time and space together.
This morning, I was just saying to Cristina how I’d like to evolve out of wishing for the time after, a la, “I’m looking forward to not waking up disregulated from this current move (of homes.”
Instead, I hope to soon look forward to feeling more resourced around being with the disregulation. I mean, it’s right here. I can feel this way of being, right here. Right now.
Love the magazine cover, Damon.
The memory stuff is real.
It's fun times in our household. I am peri-menopausal, and my husband is a very stressed 54-year-old lol. Work stuff - too many meetings - too many details.
We usually have a trivia night where we guess the song, usually from the 80s or 90s.
A light-hearted attempt to make fun of a situation.
Happy Tuesday to you.
For sure this can all be a source of entertainment. If I’m being honest, it’s more often than not something I roll my eyes at or laugh out loud. I seem to notice more often when it disregulates me, though.
Thanks for being here, Neela.
1) I appreciate your AI caveat. I am going to add that to my posts. I learn a lot from how you structure your Substacks. So, thanks for that!
2) These pieces make me LOL: "Cue all the bros suggesting neurotropics, sleep, exercise, intermittent fasting, micro-dosing, and hyperbaric oxygen therapy. Hey, thanks, bros. I appreciate the intention, but I check more wellness boxes than most Silicon Valley CEOs." - Yes. I am a big antagonist to the overly influencer culture telling us we are not doing enough when we likely are if we are reading articles like this.
3) I appreciate how you always normalize these "taboo" topics - showing humanness. you are also incredibly good at reminding people that we cannot just "see through the pain" when it comes to traumatic things. I do not enjoy when people try to take really heavy things and overly simplify them - sometimes you do need a healer, therapist, coach, mentor to GUIDE YOU THROUGH your trauma or rage.
Anyway. Appreciate you as always. Rock on.
Hi, Kat! So happy to see your name pop up. Thank you for being here, and for your reflections on my essay. I take it as high praise. All of it.
This is so prevalent in the online space. Just do this thing (skill, hack, practice, yadda), and happiness will follow.
We seem to think more skills are what we need to feel whole, but if it was only about learning hacks and such, we’d all feel so fucking whole by now.
(Never mind that we already are whole, and have been all along.)
Until we reconcile ourselves with our parts, and I mean at least the one’s that are working the hardest to protect us, we’ll not likely onboard any of those skills in the first place.
Our protector parts will—in the name of good intentions—keep us from onboarding those skills almost every time.
Why? Why must this strike such a foul yet profound chord in me?
Anger and rage show up differently for me. At onset, my ears ring loudly, my jaw clenches and there is a muscle group around my ears and scalp that pull backward. There are clear relational lines I can draw from a fear of abandonment to triggers in my daily life.
Mine is trauma related. Perhaps knowing this makes targeted work more effective. I’ve been using EMDR to target the triggers and the results have proven to be literally life changing.
With regards to the memory issues, I like how you invoke impermanence to cope.
A recent mantra that I’ve found helpful with things that I cannot change is “I don’t have to take this on.” Meaning: I don’t have to carry this emotional weight of a thing I cannot change or fix.
For sure. Somatic experiences can be grouped together somewhat, but our individual relationships with them vary in the details. It’s for all the reasons.
Love that EMDR has worked for you. All methods work for some people, some of the time. Getting one to work is partially fortune. Bravo!
Discerning what’s out to onboard is a skill worth developing. Modern times seem to invite us to hold it all. This is simply not possible.
I love the magazine cover! Yes, we all have memory lapses from time to time. Do you ever have a discussion with your wife and you are both trying to remember the name of something and you can't? Then all of a sudden three days later it pops into your mind, you say the name or word you were trying to remember and your spouse says "yup, that is it". Happens to all of us. The real test though is what is the longest you have ever forgotten your laundry in the washer? Have you ever left it there long enough for it to be completely dry, stiff and beyond having any smell? It is all just part of life and we need to learn to roll with it. If we don't, it will drive us over the edge.
Not there on laundry yet, but I’m pretty good with using reminders. I’m sure it’s coming, though.
Yeah, we’ve experienced some version of all this. The one that’s been killing me is calling the dogs by the wrong name. I remember our father doing that as a kid. It’s ringing the bell of a part in me that’s hard to face.