Reading this made me think of eulogies. I've written and delivered many -- too many -- for parents, relatives and friends -- and each time I do it I strive to reveal the essence of that person in some way. I believe what I'm calling essence you're describing as presence...or maybe it's the impact of a person's essence on me and others. This is a beautiful, insightful piece. If we all worked harder on the inside of ourselves (vs. the outside) we'd all be better off.
I really appreciate the focus on value and finding value in ourselves as an innate expression of our being. I also think this plays out in how we find the values that allow us to draw out our inner value and express it to the world.
I had a teacher like that in high school. Mrs. R. She caught me making fun of a kid's stutter in the hallway. She pulled me aside after class and said, "You're better than that. I know you are."
That was it. Five seconds.
The thing is, I wasn't better than that. Not yet. Not in my mind. But her saying it like it was already true. Like she could see something in me I couldn't see in myself? That did more than any punishment could have done.
I remembered in 2016 when I quit my full-time job.
What terrified me wasn't the money part. It was waking up and not knowing who I was anymore.
"Value was already a quality of being for each of us, from before we existed."
There is so much truth to this.
Because even then, I was a wife, a sister, a friend.
Thank you, Neela. This was a tough one to ship for many reasons. I am, admittedly, seeking validation post-publish, even if it's the validation of someone refuting my perspective. At least I'll know I reached someone.
Always enjoy your writing Damon, and this is such a relevant topic for men right now. I will indulge my 2 cents, and hopefully not be seen as judgementa, so here goes...
I've tried to shed myself from the need for materialistic worth, and social acceptance (still a work in progress) At the same time I definitely do seek out success, but in a more balanced and purposeful way than I did in my 20s and 30s.
For me my primary worth comes from my creator, who made me, designed and placed me on this mad earth. And because of this I look at every man as having inate worth.
After that it's the worth I feel from (relationships) being a husband, a dad and father to my children and even to those children without fathers in their lives.
I've found myself stepping in as a father figure for more children in my circles of friends, and being involved with underprivileged children and youth. The sad thing is that I've seen how much fathers are absent in our society, and how many men have lost the plot.
I believe if we can uplift men, we will uplift society!
Because men are the protectors, the leaders and the fathers of society, and this is perhaps the greatest role we as men need to fill, this is a greater purpose and one that I see more men acknowledging...
Okay Damon, that's enough rambling and meandering but hopefully this makes some kind of sense?
Kevin, I really appreciate you showing up and contributing. I don't see your comment as judgmental at all. I see you arriving at a similar conclusion from a different path. That's why there are so many paths.
Speaking of paths, it's enviable that you are finding pathways into adjacent paternal roles. I tend to agree with your assessment that there is a need. There probably always has been and always will be, both for men and women, to take commensurate leadership roles with youth.
I also agree that the uplift of one population generally favors everyone, but with men, I believe there is a potential hazard in failing to do so. We really want functioning, compassionate men amongst us.
But let me not speak for everyone. I'll speak for myself. This is what I want.
Appreciate your response Damon, dialogue is where we learn, and as men we do need talk more about the things that need talking about. Your conclusion about failing to uplift men I think is spot on, and I've been feeling this very strongly...
Side note: want I enjoy your writing is that I always know it's you, no ai, no trickery, it's just you raw and honest, and that there is what makes great writing!
Oh for sure, AI is a great tool for sharpening your writing and challenging you, but if its writing everything, you aint going to be winning the trust of readers, nor will anyone really want to read your robotic verbiage!
I think this is beautiful, Damon. To embrace the innate humanity (with all its messiness) is a path to our self-acceptance, which can lead to freedom and exploration. To celebrate the innate humanity in others can be difficult, but it is worth the effort. What a gorgeous story from your youth, and how it continues to impact your life and relationships now. Thank you.
And - Maplewood? I'm a few miles away from that, and I know MPA (but am totally a public school kid). Have a great week. Thanks for writing these essays!
Reading this made me think of eulogies. I've written and delivered many -- too many -- for parents, relatives and friends -- and each time I do it I strive to reveal the essence of that person in some way. I believe what I'm calling essence you're describing as presence...or maybe it's the impact of a person's essence on me and others. This is a beautiful, insightful piece. If we all worked harder on the inside of ourselves (vs. the outside) we'd all be better off.
Yes. You get me, Jim. 🫶
Presence is just a placeholder for something much more complicated than I understand. Essence is a fine word.
Thank you for the kind words, and the restack. It’s flattering.
I really appreciate the focus on value and finding value in ourselves as an innate expression of our being. I also think this plays out in how we find the values that allow us to draw out our inner value and express it to the world.
This make me think about the “gap”
Where we are vs where we want to be.
It’s not that pursuit of betterment is a problem or that it takes from our intrinsic worth.
The perception of a future where we are worthy robs us of a present where we are worthy.
The worthy present of gratitude is a much stronger position to take on positive habits.
Fueled by joy instead of lack and compensation.
Not certain this answers the root question but I think it expands into the usual follow up.
Yes, this. We've somehow convinced ourselves that what comes next will be better than this present unfolding now. But we never arrive at next.
I had a teacher like that in high school. Mrs. R. She caught me making fun of a kid's stutter in the hallway. She pulled me aside after class and said, "You're better than that. I know you are."
That was it. Five seconds.
The thing is, I wasn't better than that. Not yet. Not in my mind. But her saying it like it was already true. Like she could see something in me I couldn't see in myself? That did more than any punishment could have done.
I remembered in 2016 when I quit my full-time job.
What terrified me wasn't the money part. It was waking up and not knowing who I was anymore.
"Value was already a quality of being for each of us, from before we existed."
There is so much truth to this.
Because even then, I was a wife, a sister, a friend.
Happy Tuesday, Damon.
Thank you for sharing your reflections :)
Thank you, Neela. This was a tough one to ship for many reasons. I am, admittedly, seeking validation post-publish, even if it's the validation of someone refuting my perspective. At least I'll know I reached someone.
But I especially appreciate reaching you.
It was brave and beautifully done Damon.
🥹
Always enjoy your writing Damon, and this is such a relevant topic for men right now. I will indulge my 2 cents, and hopefully not be seen as judgementa, so here goes...
I've tried to shed myself from the need for materialistic worth, and social acceptance (still a work in progress) At the same time I definitely do seek out success, but in a more balanced and purposeful way than I did in my 20s and 30s.
For me my primary worth comes from my creator, who made me, designed and placed me on this mad earth. And because of this I look at every man as having inate worth.
After that it's the worth I feel from (relationships) being a husband, a dad and father to my children and even to those children without fathers in their lives.
I've found myself stepping in as a father figure for more children in my circles of friends, and being involved with underprivileged children and youth. The sad thing is that I've seen how much fathers are absent in our society, and how many men have lost the plot.
I believe if we can uplift men, we will uplift society!
Because men are the protectors, the leaders and the fathers of society, and this is perhaps the greatest role we as men need to fill, this is a greater purpose and one that I see more men acknowledging...
Okay Damon, that's enough rambling and meandering but hopefully this makes some kind of sense?
Kevin, I really appreciate you showing up and contributing. I don't see your comment as judgmental at all. I see you arriving at a similar conclusion from a different path. That's why there are so many paths.
Speaking of paths, it's enviable that you are finding pathways into adjacent paternal roles. I tend to agree with your assessment that there is a need. There probably always has been and always will be, both for men and women, to take commensurate leadership roles with youth.
I also agree that the uplift of one population generally favors everyone, but with men, I believe there is a potential hazard in failing to do so. We really want functioning, compassionate men amongst us.
But let me not speak for everyone. I'll speak for myself. This is what I want.
Appreciate your response Damon, dialogue is where we learn, and as men we do need talk more about the things that need talking about. Your conclusion about failing to uplift men I think is spot on, and I've been feeling this very strongly...
Side note: want I enjoy your writing is that I always know it's you, no ai, no trickery, it's just you raw and honest, and that there is what makes great writing!
Appreciate that.
For the record: I don’t let LLMs write my words, but I do use ChatGPT as an editor-only for flow, cohesion, and grammar.
AI is a shitty writer, at least for now, but it’s a darn good challenger when I get attached to all my precious darlings.
You have to change the settings to a more critical mode, though. Most of us don’t like that version of AI.
Oh for sure, AI is a great tool for sharpening your writing and challenging you, but if its writing everything, you aint going to be winning the trust of readers, nor will anyone really want to read your robotic verbiage!
I think this is beautiful, Damon. To embrace the innate humanity (with all its messiness) is a path to our self-acceptance, which can lead to freedom and exploration. To celebrate the innate humanity in others can be difficult, but it is worth the effort. What a gorgeous story from your youth, and how it continues to impact your life and relationships now. Thank you.
And - Maplewood? I'm a few miles away from that, and I know MPA (but am totally a public school kid). Have a great week. Thanks for writing these essays!