Oh, I have your latest essay open in a tab right now. Excited to read it.
This kratom has come up in other conversations. It was not a thing, not AFAIK, back when I was actively using. Apparently, one can buy it from gas stations in many parts of the USA? I can hardly fathom why or how.
I'd love to "yes, and" this wonderful piece and the point you're making about behaviors that are appear to be problems (like avoiding networking conversations or drinking alcohol) but are actually solutions to problems. That's a brilliant point.
The thing I have found is that these strategies of being, feeling, and action are also solutions to problems THAT DO NOT EXIST ANYMORE. They form early in life when we experience some form of "disruption" in relationships that matter to us, especially caregivers. We reach for comfort from mother and she isn't available. We feel hurt. Part of us forms in our personality structure to create a behavior that keeps us from feeling that same hurt again in the future. Then, we encounter future situations that feel similar to that early childhood experience and enact that behavioral strategy, even if they aren't the same kind of situation. We aren't going to get rejected by that random stranger at The Onion presentation. They're preoccupied with their own problems.
We're essentially living from a version of ourselves that was formed in the past and can't behave skillfully in the present in ways that are life affirming and revealing of our full creative potential.
What I love about that story you tell re: the Tibetan Buddhist is that the way to work with that "past self" is not to solve it like a problem. It's to approach it with radical compassion, get curious, and understand why it exists in the first place. That allows it to shift and change. It ends the strategy at the root and unlocks more present-focused capability. It gives you more "you" back to yourself.
I think that's what we're really up to as coaches. Giving people a space to reveal more of themselves in the world so they can be agents of goodness and aliveness in the relationships that matter to them.
And what a gift that is.
What a gift you are, brother. Thank you for sharing.
NGL. I braced for the “but” in that opening salvo. There was a “but,” but it didn’t have a comma before it.
Me: 😮💨
You’re pointing to something I didn’t surface here, which is an important point. Our nervous systems are solving for non-existent problems in most cases. They’re finding surrogates and armoring up like it was to the death.
And it just doesn’t have to be this way. We can get off this ride. It’s not easy, and it takes work, but hopefully not anything near-death for us who aren’t Buddhist royalty.
This is full of insight. I love the reframe around problem and solution...I think that can be really helpful for people. And the Buddhist approach almost always feels the smartest to me. Thanks so much for being so open and thoughtful.
I am grateful for your willingness to keep inviting the struggle to tea. Learning to make friends with the messiness of life is my current task. Thanks for sharing your journey here!
A friend recently opined, we seem to be trying to figure out if we can be tolerant of our own intolerable parts showing up. The caveat being, hurting others adds a layer of complexity to this, but it’s not necessarily an impossible element to overcome.
That’s a great way of putting it. I don’t mind being a little intolerable around friends and others, but I hate it when I hurt others (especially my wife and my kids). It’s a learning journey for me, and I’m grateful to have A LOT of people who love me as I am so the intolerable parts have a softer landing spot
There’s a scale, right? Abuse is never acceptable, but rupture is inevitable in love. Rupture without repair is not acceptable, and repeated rupture is low-key abuse IMHO.
We’re designed for complexity so we can usually discern the distinction without needing it spelled out, but worth naming.
Wow. So much to unwrap here. This concept of the fear of facing something about ourselves that feels too complex to understand— so we seek self-destructive solutions to what is the true source of our challenge.
I can’t help but find myself in Nickajack Cave, wondering what pulled Johnny Cash back from the brink.
Dick Schwartz refers to these parts as Firefighters in the IFC model. They have only one job, and that's to get you out of danger by any means necessary, even if it means tipping the bottle to drain every drop.
You wrote, "alcohol was never the problem, it was the solution."
I wrote something this week about the same furnace from a different door.
Work was my drug. Then pills were my drug. Then kratom was my drug. All three had the same employer. All three got fired eventually. 😂
We are in sync once again, Damon.
Thank you for writing this.
Oh, I have your latest essay open in a tab right now. Excited to read it.
This kratom has come up in other conversations. It was not a thing, not AFAIK, back when I was actively using. Apparently, one can buy it from gas stations in many parts of the USA? I can hardly fathom why or how.
Yes, but we have to show our ID to purchase Sudafed, so there's that.
Did none of the lawmakers watch Breaking Bad??? (Would they have understood anyway?)
FFS, he's cooking top-shelf meth from phenylephrine, pseudoephedrine's surrogate. Because science.
Good point Hans 😂
They are cracking down. It needs to be moderated like alcohol.
If I could abuse it, then a 14-year-old certainly can.
Sheeee-eeeaaa--eeeesh!
I'd love to "yes, and" this wonderful piece and the point you're making about behaviors that are appear to be problems (like avoiding networking conversations or drinking alcohol) but are actually solutions to problems. That's a brilliant point.
The thing I have found is that these strategies of being, feeling, and action are also solutions to problems THAT DO NOT EXIST ANYMORE. They form early in life when we experience some form of "disruption" in relationships that matter to us, especially caregivers. We reach for comfort from mother and she isn't available. We feel hurt. Part of us forms in our personality structure to create a behavior that keeps us from feeling that same hurt again in the future. Then, we encounter future situations that feel similar to that early childhood experience and enact that behavioral strategy, even if they aren't the same kind of situation. We aren't going to get rejected by that random stranger at The Onion presentation. They're preoccupied with their own problems.
We're essentially living from a version of ourselves that was formed in the past and can't behave skillfully in the present in ways that are life affirming and revealing of our full creative potential.
What I love about that story you tell re: the Tibetan Buddhist is that the way to work with that "past self" is not to solve it like a problem. It's to approach it with radical compassion, get curious, and understand why it exists in the first place. That allows it to shift and change. It ends the strategy at the root and unlocks more present-focused capability. It gives you more "you" back to yourself.
I think that's what we're really up to as coaches. Giving people a space to reveal more of themselves in the world so they can be agents of goodness and aliveness in the relationships that matter to them.
And what a gift that is.
What a gift you are, brother. Thank you for sharing.
NGL. I braced for the “but” in that opening salvo. There was a “but,” but it didn’t have a comma before it.
Me: 😮💨
You’re pointing to something I didn’t surface here, which is an important point. Our nervous systems are solving for non-existent problems in most cases. They’re finding surrogates and armoring up like it was to the death.
And it just doesn’t have to be this way. We can get off this ride. It’s not easy, and it takes work, but hopefully not anything near-death for us who aren’t Buddhist royalty.
This is full of insight. I love the reframe around problem and solution...I think that can be really helpful for people. And the Buddhist approach almost always feels the smartest to me. Thanks so much for being so open and thoughtful.
Thanks, Jim. It’s at least worth investigating when we think we’ve found the trailhead of our problem. No sense hiking the wrong trail.
I am grateful for your willingness to keep inviting the struggle to tea. Learning to make friends with the messiness of life is my current task. Thanks for sharing your journey here!
A friend recently opined, we seem to be trying to figure out if we can be tolerant of our own intolerable parts showing up. The caveat being, hurting others adds a layer of complexity to this, but it’s not necessarily an impossible element to overcome.
That’s a great way of putting it. I don’t mind being a little intolerable around friends and others, but I hate it when I hurt others (especially my wife and my kids). It’s a learning journey for me, and I’m grateful to have A LOT of people who love me as I am so the intolerable parts have a softer landing spot
There’s a scale, right? Abuse is never acceptable, but rupture is inevitable in love. Rupture without repair is not acceptable, and repeated rupture is low-key abuse IMHO.
We’re designed for complexity so we can usually discern the distinction without needing it spelled out, but worth naming.
Wow. So much to unwrap here. This concept of the fear of facing something about ourselves that feels too complex to understand— so we seek self-destructive solutions to what is the true source of our challenge.
I can’t help but find myself in Nickajack Cave, wondering what pulled Johnny Cash back from the brink.
He called it “God.”
Dick Schwartz refers to these parts as Firefighters in the IFC model. They have only one job, and that's to get you out of danger by any means necessary, even if it means tipping the bottle to drain every drop.
So grateful to have you in my life, brother.