"Especially men. We're telling ourselves a story about how we're the masters of our world, pulling levers, breaking rules, working hard, and fucking around harder."
This is the trap of masculine socialization around control and agency.
I saw this with my dad.
The "functional alcoholic" identity is almost a point of pride, right? Look how much I can handle at 75. Look how well I perform even while drinking. I'm not weak like those people who can't manage their shit.
The work-hard-fuck-around-harder ethos is celebrated in so many spaces. It's the trader culture, the tech grind, the rock star lifestyle. Until it's not.
You are courageous, Damon. You wrote the story. You let it crack open. Most men never do.
They just keep telling themselves they've got it handled right up until catastrophe or death.
You did exactly what I hoped readers would do, which is see the story as a metaphor. I was afraid it would just read like another AA share.
Men are doing versions of this that scan as far less pernicious, like working away their hours to cover something dark. I mean, who could criticize a hard worker, a man providing for his family? (Never mind that he never sees them, even when he's in their presence.)
Yes, and the tragedy is how society rewards this behavior while families suffer the absence. We celebrate dedication without asking what it costs.
And the other thing is, it becomes multigenerational, right? Sons learning from fathers that this is what 'being a man' looks like. Breaking that pattern takes so much courage.
Thank you Neela for focusing on it, especially how you translate this unfortunate philosophy to more everyday concerns of life -- competing for income and the status it assigns to men (trader culture), the tech grind and the self-esteem it supposedly earns for men.
Damon's story and Tony's are heartbreaking and real. They're deeply connected to equally destructive socialized norms a large share of men attempt to live up to everyday.
Wow. I just got to reading this: "This was my life in the early 2000s: work hard, fuck around harder." It reminds me so much of the general tendency for my husband to never show that he needs help - just keep it moving. And also your point about it being intolerable to you... and that being the framework for what matters in this life... This article got me thinking about my own thoughts on accountability. Why do we so often run from our own truth because others around us tell us "eh it isn't that bad?". I reflect a lot about how we try to judge our experiences based on how others frame it out for us... this is a disaster in my opinion because your internal knowing might be enough for you to change. Ask for an opinion these days and you'll get it - if you want the other opinion, you'll get it too. This makes it so hard to really settle on your own truth. Anyway - I love your writing, by the way.
When I read that last comment, Katrina, I forgot everything else you said before that. Talk about knocking a man over with a compliment. Thank you. (blushing)
But back to what you said before that...
For men, asking for help, even accepting the offer of help, is weakness. Even as we intellectually understand the merits of "getting help," we carve out exceptions for ourselves and balk when we find ourselves in need.
Been thinking a lot lately about all the ways we abandon ourselves. You know how, when you get a concept in your head, you see it everywhere? This one seems rampant, especially with men... or that's my bias, a reflection of my network. (Nod to my friend JJ for this concept.) We're often abandoning ourselves for so many reasons, someone else's needs, to hold someone else's story, or the most frequent reason: Our desire to feel loved.
Admitting any of this for most men is something like dying. Hard nope.
It's very masculine of you to feel some of the blame for Toni's accident. RIP to the person we lost. I know a friend who did what Toni did and, even though it was ruled the pedestrian was the intoxicated one, who stepped out in the dead of night with no warning, there's no "getting over" that sort of event.
Your deconditioned clients sound misinformed! Frustrated me just to read that bit. But you know, on the upside... This whole story would make a great movie. I'm only half kidding. Maybe pitch it to someone who knows about scripts ;)
"Especially men. We're telling ourselves a story about how we're the masters of our world, pulling levers, breaking rules, working hard, and fucking around harder."
This is the trap of masculine socialization around control and agency.
I saw this with my dad.
The "functional alcoholic" identity is almost a point of pride, right? Look how much I can handle at 75. Look how well I perform even while drinking. I'm not weak like those people who can't manage their shit.
The work-hard-fuck-around-harder ethos is celebrated in so many spaces. It's the trader culture, the tech grind, the rock star lifestyle. Until it's not.
You are courageous, Damon. You wrote the story. You let it crack open. Most men never do.
They just keep telling themselves they've got it handled right up until catastrophe or death.
Again, like my dad.
You did exactly what I hoped readers would do, which is see the story as a metaphor. I was afraid it would just read like another AA share.
Men are doing versions of this that scan as far less pernicious, like working away their hours to cover something dark. I mean, who could criticize a hard worker, a man providing for his family? (Never mind that he never sees them, even when he's in their presence.)
Boy does that sound familiar to me. Both the story I lived for decades and the stories of men I know personally or whom I’ve read about.
Hey Richard :)
Yes, and the tragedy is how society rewards this behavior while families suffer the absence. We celebrate dedication without asking what it costs.
And the other thing is, it becomes multigenerational, right? Sons learning from fathers that this is what 'being a man' looks like. Breaking that pattern takes so much courage.
That's right. It's like we can't get off this endless wheel.
This analysis rings so true for me.
Thank you Neela for focusing on it, especially how you translate this unfortunate philosophy to more everyday concerns of life -- competing for income and the status it assigns to men (trader culture), the tech grind and the self-esteem it supposedly earns for men.
Damon's story and Tony's are heartbreaking and real. They're deeply connected to equally destructive socialized norms a large share of men attempt to live up to everyday.
🙏
Wow. I just got to reading this: "This was my life in the early 2000s: work hard, fuck around harder." It reminds me so much of the general tendency for my husband to never show that he needs help - just keep it moving. And also your point about it being intolerable to you... and that being the framework for what matters in this life... This article got me thinking about my own thoughts on accountability. Why do we so often run from our own truth because others around us tell us "eh it isn't that bad?". I reflect a lot about how we try to judge our experiences based on how others frame it out for us... this is a disaster in my opinion because your internal knowing might be enough for you to change. Ask for an opinion these days and you'll get it - if you want the other opinion, you'll get it too. This makes it so hard to really settle on your own truth. Anyway - I love your writing, by the way.
When I read that last comment, Katrina, I forgot everything else you said before that. Talk about knocking a man over with a compliment. Thank you. (blushing)
But back to what you said before that...
For men, asking for help, even accepting the offer of help, is weakness. Even as we intellectually understand the merits of "getting help," we carve out exceptions for ourselves and balk when we find ourselves in need.
Been thinking a lot lately about all the ways we abandon ourselves. You know how, when you get a concept in your head, you see it everywhere? This one seems rampant, especially with men... or that's my bias, a reflection of my network. (Nod to my friend JJ for this concept.) We're often abandoning ourselves for so many reasons, someone else's needs, to hold someone else's story, or the most frequent reason: Our desire to feel loved.
Admitting any of this for most men is something like dying. Hard nope.
Sharing this with my husband. I cannot wait for him to engage more on this!
I don't have a deep reflection to share on this one. Just want to tell you I love you, brother, and I'm proud of you for speaking what's true for you.
Thanks. This was a different kind of essay than I tend to write.
Jury remains out on whether that was wise.
Love you too, brother.
It's very masculine of you to feel some of the blame for Toni's accident. RIP to the person we lost. I know a friend who did what Toni did and, even though it was ruled the pedestrian was the intoxicated one, who stepped out in the dead of night with no warning, there's no "getting over" that sort of event.
Your deconditioned clients sound misinformed! Frustrated me just to read that bit. But you know, on the upside... This whole story would make a great movie. I'm only half kidding. Maybe pitch it to someone who knows about scripts ;)
Ha! If you mean Tony's story, I would leave that to him, but you may be right. Perhaps he might consider that.
Thank you for your ongoing support, Nadine.
I meant your part! The customs bit 💉
Ha! Perhaps a funny scene, right?
What? Cocaine? Where was I and why am I just learning this now?
😳