This may be true of all humans, but I think it is particularly true for men: we feel more worth-while and valuable when we're useful to others. We're made to be useful to others. We can't be useful to others if we aren't engaged with others. We can't be useful to others if we don't cultivate useful skills that we can offer others. There's a "toxic" stereotype surrounding the egotistical man who thinks highly of himself and his skills, but genuinely useful men also tend to be humble, because they've been humbled by what happens when you do something you want to be good at for the first time and get your ass kicked by a lack of skillfulness.
I've been staying with a friend who has a teenage son. She's been single parenting for years, and he stays in his room playing computer games for literally entire days. I'm treading a thin and precarious line in my conversations with her because I know how much that behavior is crippling his future sense of self-worth by tying up his free time in such a frankly worthless activity. It worries me, and I know everyone is doing the best they can, but so much in our culture right now makes it way too easy to stay isolated. Comfort and convenience is killing men in so many ways. I draw a red line straight to tech.
I say all of this because there's a simple equation that I've developed over the years that's a fast track to meaning for men especially: be useful + be connected = experience meaning. Especially in the first half of life, this is critical. The second half of life is good for cracking that shell of identity that's tied to usefulness to make room for deeper spirituality oriented toward an exploration of who you really are in the scale of the cosmos.
That's it for my rant. Thanks for the thoughtful and beautifully written pieces. You're a great example of a good, useful, and connected man, Damon. I'm glad to know you.
Pretty sure "be useful + be connected" is the TL;DR of this essay, JJ. Nicely done. You could have saved me so much writing and editing had we discussed beforehand. 😆
The distinction for men, at least biologically, is that we cannot gestate a new life in order to find meaning. We can be a part of it, but we're also an unnecessary part from a technical standpoint. This makes me wonder if the aversions we feel, and I mean men, toward cloning and other lab-based solutions for pregnancy are just that. We feel our insignificance in the face of these technologies.
But to finish where you started, this idea of thinking highly of oneself. There is a distinction between knowing one is capable and believing nobody else is capable. The former I would call confidence, and the latter arrogance.
We want confident humans, men included. We could use fewer arrogant ones.
You're hitting something deep and true with the biological distinction. Of course, nature loves variation. The biological ability to contribute to the process of creating life isn't a requirement for a life to be purposeful, but it's a very strong driver. When I was going through my divorce and grappling with the reality that my ex felt strongly enough about her draw to other women that she was willing to blow up everything we had built together, that loss of the container for becoming a father was what I felt the most. Stack that type of situation alongside other technologies that are democratizing access to birthing mechanisms, and we've got a pretty complex picture for men to navigate while feeling innately worthwhile as they do.
Arrogance in my mind is an expression of not wanting to feel deep shame about one's lack of self-worth. I have a lot of compassion for that. I also hope more men do the inner work necessary to address that self-worth so they feel they have more options to choose from as they navigate their lives that aren't constricted by their defensive behaviors.
Great article and a thoughtful reflection. One of the realizations I've had in light of my latest substack experiment is how important it is to engage with the community aspect of this platform.
Meaning doesn't exist in a solo container. It's really easy to get non-engaged in today's world and its really important to make the effort to engage!
I appreciate your engagement and what has come out of our mutual reflections of each other's writing.
Separating from society to better understand ourselves and do the work is, for me, amplified by coming back and sharing with like-minded people. I'm not sure that this coming and going helps me strengthen my self worth, but it does ground me. It humbles me, because it reminds me how little I know and understand human nature, and how so much of my perception of the world is limited by a solitary viewpoint.
Yeah, I like that interpretation. It's grounds you.
The impossible counterfactual is to imagine what might anything I work on be worth doing if I were the only person alive on the planet? Would it give me a sense of self-worth?
First of all, I really like the option of listening to these, and like the cuddle puddle photo with Christina and your pups even more.
I'm glad you're talking about the men's loneliness problem. We already have data that loneliness kills the elderly, so it is a truly dangerous issue. I am, fortunately for my entertainment but not for solving the issue, on the side of social media that points to men as being unworthy of the company.
Your suggestion to see solitude as a positive challenge may in fact help some lonely men feel less lonely, and more brave. To me, 10 days of silence sounds horrific 😆 my own brain is not that entertaining. I'm also impressed. Rob would not be though, he loves his own company. This made me wonder if the simple judgement of survival of loneliness is whether you're an introvert or extra/ambi?
I will stop writing now for fear of giving you another article as homework to reply to. Never feel obligated to reply to every stream of consciousness I jot down here.
You know, these retreats are not as impossible as they seem. People of all sorts take on the challenge, extroverts and introverts. What's worth knowing is that none of us has a mind that stops. Ever. Not even the Buddha himself. Learning to notice and tolerate that constant flow of discursive thought is much of the task.
Admittedly, the first three days are tough, but it's all done in sections, not ten hours of straight sitting. There are variations in the practice too, focusing on different parts of the body and such. Best of all, the one not far from you is free. They run on donations, and they only accept donations from those who have attended.
Cristina was certain she would bounce off the project, but she did it. She attended my second retreat with me. Her comment to me on day ten was, "Why didn't you insist I do this sooner?" 🙄
This may be true of all humans, but I think it is particularly true for men: we feel more worth-while and valuable when we're useful to others. We're made to be useful to others. We can't be useful to others if we aren't engaged with others. We can't be useful to others if we don't cultivate useful skills that we can offer others. There's a "toxic" stereotype surrounding the egotistical man who thinks highly of himself and his skills, but genuinely useful men also tend to be humble, because they've been humbled by what happens when you do something you want to be good at for the first time and get your ass kicked by a lack of skillfulness.
I've been staying with a friend who has a teenage son. She's been single parenting for years, and he stays in his room playing computer games for literally entire days. I'm treading a thin and precarious line in my conversations with her because I know how much that behavior is crippling his future sense of self-worth by tying up his free time in such a frankly worthless activity. It worries me, and I know everyone is doing the best they can, but so much in our culture right now makes it way too easy to stay isolated. Comfort and convenience is killing men in so many ways. I draw a red line straight to tech.
I say all of this because there's a simple equation that I've developed over the years that's a fast track to meaning for men especially: be useful + be connected = experience meaning. Especially in the first half of life, this is critical. The second half of life is good for cracking that shell of identity that's tied to usefulness to make room for deeper spirituality oriented toward an exploration of who you really are in the scale of the cosmos.
That's it for my rant. Thanks for the thoughtful and beautifully written pieces. You're a great example of a good, useful, and connected man, Damon. I'm glad to know you.
Pretty sure "be useful + be connected" is the TL;DR of this essay, JJ. Nicely done. You could have saved me so much writing and editing had we discussed beforehand. 😆
The distinction for men, at least biologically, is that we cannot gestate a new life in order to find meaning. We can be a part of it, but we're also an unnecessary part from a technical standpoint. This makes me wonder if the aversions we feel, and I mean men, toward cloning and other lab-based solutions for pregnancy are just that. We feel our insignificance in the face of these technologies.
But to finish where you started, this idea of thinking highly of oneself. There is a distinction between knowing one is capable and believing nobody else is capable. The former I would call confidence, and the latter arrogance.
We want confident humans, men included. We could use fewer arrogant ones.
You're hitting something deep and true with the biological distinction. Of course, nature loves variation. The biological ability to contribute to the process of creating life isn't a requirement for a life to be purposeful, but it's a very strong driver. When I was going through my divorce and grappling with the reality that my ex felt strongly enough about her draw to other women that she was willing to blow up everything we had built together, that loss of the container for becoming a father was what I felt the most. Stack that type of situation alongside other technologies that are democratizing access to birthing mechanisms, and we've got a pretty complex picture for men to navigate while feeling innately worthwhile as they do.
Arrogance in my mind is an expression of not wanting to feel deep shame about one's lack of self-worth. I have a lot of compassion for that. I also hope more men do the inner work necessary to address that self-worth so they feel they have more options to choose from as they navigate their lives that aren't constricted by their defensive behaviors.
"Arrogance in my mind is an expression of not wanting to feel deep shame about one's lack of self-worth."
Damn, brother. That's some good wording.
Great article and a thoughtful reflection. One of the realizations I've had in light of my latest substack experiment is how important it is to engage with the community aspect of this platform.
Meaning doesn't exist in a solo container. It's really easy to get non-engaged in today's world and its really important to make the effort to engage!
I appreciate your engagement and what has come out of our mutual reflections of each other's writing.
Me too. Thanks for being here, Taylor.
And thank you for your kind words.
Separating from society to better understand ourselves and do the work is, for me, amplified by coming back and sharing with like-minded people. I'm not sure that this coming and going helps me strengthen my self worth, but it does ground me. It humbles me, because it reminds me how little I know and understand human nature, and how so much of my perception of the world is limited by a solitary viewpoint.
Thanks for today's essay Damon.
Yeah, I like that interpretation. It's grounds you.
The impossible counterfactual is to imagine what might anything I work on be worth doing if I were the only person alive on the planet? Would it give me a sense of self-worth?
At moments like this, I wonder how the Tom Hanks “Cast Away” character would answer.
Did it make a difference having “Wilson” there?
It sure seemed like the writers thought Wilson mattered.
First of all, I really like the option of listening to these, and like the cuddle puddle photo with Christina and your pups even more.
I'm glad you're talking about the men's loneliness problem. We already have data that loneliness kills the elderly, so it is a truly dangerous issue. I am, fortunately for my entertainment but not for solving the issue, on the side of social media that points to men as being unworthy of the company.
Your suggestion to see solitude as a positive challenge may in fact help some lonely men feel less lonely, and more brave. To me, 10 days of silence sounds horrific 😆 my own brain is not that entertaining. I'm also impressed. Rob would not be though, he loves his own company. This made me wonder if the simple judgement of survival of loneliness is whether you're an introvert or extra/ambi?
I will stop writing now for fear of giving you another article as homework to reply to. Never feel obligated to reply to every stream of consciousness I jot down here.
😆 Thanks for the smiles, Nadine.
You know, these retreats are not as impossible as they seem. People of all sorts take on the challenge, extroverts and introverts. What's worth knowing is that none of us has a mind that stops. Ever. Not even the Buddha himself. Learning to notice and tolerate that constant flow of discursive thought is much of the task.
Admittedly, the first three days are tough, but it's all done in sections, not ten hours of straight sitting. There are variations in the practice too, focusing on different parts of the body and such. Best of all, the one not far from you is free. They run on donations, and they only accept donations from those who have attended.
Cristina was certain she would bounce off the project, but she did it. She attended my second retreat with me. Her comment to me on day ten was, "Why didn't you insist I do this sooner?" 🙄