"Connection is the necessary point of completion in all our self-worth endeavors." That's my favorite truth in a brave essay chock-full of truth.
The self-help movement thinks individual identity is the be all and end all of life. But if it's not training for relationship, it is in the end empty.
Good stuff, my friend. I don't trust your wisdom in spite of that drunken episode but because of it.
So glad this line worked. I was afraid it was one of those that only sounded good to me, like nobody is gonna get this. Of course you get me, @Dr. Kelly Flanagan.
Also, thank you for your kindness. I still carry so much shame over that “episode.”
This was heart-wrenching to read at first, but on the upside I now know what sour mash is.
What stood out to me though was this bit: "What we had was a relationship neither of us would tolerate today. At that age, unhealthy was easier, less confrontational," because I had never thought about it like that. We put up with so much rubbish as kids. Like we have to go through the trials to appreciate a decent, human connection. But then... You two made it through all that and are still together -- which is beyond surprising!
And considering you say, "it's simply better to have love now", does that speak to your belief on love after you, or after Cristina if you're one of the few that outlive their wives (sorry to be morbid)? I always think Rob shoud find someone... But he's such an introvert I can perfectly imagine him just being home with the cats and happy noone is bothering him anymore!
It's an interesting question, one I don't believe anyone could answer with conviction. One won't know until they pass through such a trial.
What I can tell you is that Cristina and I have an ongoing and open dialogue on the topic. We opine about how we'd like it to go, both at the same time, and what we might do if it doesn't go our way. Just recently, we both expressed that we would want the other to mourn only as long as is absolutely necessary, and then get on with it.
For my genetics, if I don't befall an accident, there's a very good chance I live way longer than I'd prefer. I have mixed feelings about that, but I actually fear a long life more than death. Old, infirmed, and alone sounds like pure hell.
For my money, intimate relationships are the best mirrors for the deepest wounds within that we often would rather not look at. Sometimes that feels to me like a pathway to freedom. Often, it feels like too much to bear that kind of "into-me-and-see". [Intimacy.]
More than anything, relationships are mysterious. What drew us in can disappear quickly. Things change fast. The ups can be high, the downs can be real low. I've had this growing sense that we're starting to lose the structures we've had culturally that tell us how to be in intimate relationships skillfully. AKA, the monogamous, mortgage-having, child-bearing, rest-of-your-life template.
With those templates dissipating, it appears we must simply be with the person in front of us without the scales over our eyes, and be with what comes up as we relate to them with curiosity.
Or, you know, throw the keys.
Well written. Maybe your best one yet, brother Damon. Thank you.
Truth. This coach doesn't do parts work alone. I can hardly fathom how it's possible. So, yes. The deeper stuff comes out with others. It stops being cloudy concepts in a state of presence with others. It gets named when I have to apply language to it, even though it was present all along.
The claim that we're losing the structures, which I take you to mean the prevailing ones, is probably true. That said, I'm confident we'll not lose the value for prime connection, however we choose to sanctify it.
More high praise for this piece. I accept. Thank YOU, brother JJ.
This article hits home. When I review my relationships I recognize how I didn't even know how to connect with myself, let alone anyone else.
I think what helped me get better at connection was the friendships I formed with other men. The accountability that came in helped me see where I fell short in previous relationships and has led to a level of honesty and integrity that is essential for a relationship to flourish
I am also a lucky man. I have a Danielle, and we have a version of a Cristina and Damon story. I absolutely knew she was the one, but we had something in the way. Once that was gone, then…then the relationship really upgraded. Like a couple orders of magnitude on something that was already profoundly powerful. And so I hear all the different parts of your story. Would I feel as fulfilled as I do without Danielle? Well, we are told to be the maker of our own happiness, and I get all that. I hear what that stuff is trying to say. But no. I couldn’t have made this happiness by myself. This tier of happiness comes through being with her. Through being understood, regarded, loved—and for me to do the same with her— new dimensions are unlocked that aren’t accessible by oneself. Yes sometimes relationships are hard, but by God, they’re worth it, if they are good and right and true.
I feel this, Adam. It's so hard to know what to say to someone who wants it. Most everything I have to say is no good, but for the fact that I hope they find what they want. Even more, I hope they enjoy the good fortune you and I speak of.
"Connection is the necessary point of completion in all our self-worth endeavors." That's my favorite truth in a brave essay chock-full of truth.
The self-help movement thinks individual identity is the be all and end all of life. But if it's not training for relationship, it is in the end empty.
Good stuff, my friend. I don't trust your wisdom in spite of that drunken episode but because of it.
So glad this line worked. I was afraid it was one of those that only sounded good to me, like nobody is gonna get this. Of course you get me, @Dr. Kelly Flanagan.
Also, thank you for your kindness. I still carry so much shame over that “episode.”
I do get you! Appreciate the way you reciprocate that as well. And may this post be another bit of releasing of that shame.
This was heart-wrenching to read at first, but on the upside I now know what sour mash is.
What stood out to me though was this bit: "What we had was a relationship neither of us would tolerate today. At that age, unhealthy was easier, less confrontational," because I had never thought about it like that. We put up with so much rubbish as kids. Like we have to go through the trials to appreciate a decent, human connection. But then... You two made it through all that and are still together -- which is beyond surprising!
And considering you say, "it's simply better to have love now", does that speak to your belief on love after you, or after Cristina if you're one of the few that outlive their wives (sorry to be morbid)? I always think Rob shoud find someone... But he's such an introvert I can perfectly imagine him just being home with the cats and happy noone is bothering him anymore!
It's an interesting question, one I don't believe anyone could answer with conviction. One won't know until they pass through such a trial.
What I can tell you is that Cristina and I have an ongoing and open dialogue on the topic. We opine about how we'd like it to go, both at the same time, and what we might do if it doesn't go our way. Just recently, we both expressed that we would want the other to mourn only as long as is absolutely necessary, and then get on with it.
For my genetics, if I don't befall an accident, there's a very good chance I live way longer than I'd prefer. I have mixed feelings about that, but I actually fear a long life more than death. Old, infirmed, and alone sounds like pure hell.
I suspect you're not too special in that aspect, most of us fear lack of independence and loneliness more than death.
You're doing all you can though, to remain healthy and mobile as long as possible. That's all we can do!
Hope you’re right
For my money, intimate relationships are the best mirrors for the deepest wounds within that we often would rather not look at. Sometimes that feels to me like a pathway to freedom. Often, it feels like too much to bear that kind of "into-me-and-see". [Intimacy.]
More than anything, relationships are mysterious. What drew us in can disappear quickly. Things change fast. The ups can be high, the downs can be real low. I've had this growing sense that we're starting to lose the structures we've had culturally that tell us how to be in intimate relationships skillfully. AKA, the monogamous, mortgage-having, child-bearing, rest-of-your-life template.
With those templates dissipating, it appears we must simply be with the person in front of us without the scales over our eyes, and be with what comes up as we relate to them with curiosity.
Or, you know, throw the keys.
Well written. Maybe your best one yet, brother Damon. Thank you.
Truth. This coach doesn't do parts work alone. I can hardly fathom how it's possible. So, yes. The deeper stuff comes out with others. It stops being cloudy concepts in a state of presence with others. It gets named when I have to apply language to it, even though it was present all along.
The claim that we're losing the structures, which I take you to mean the prevailing ones, is probably true. That said, I'm confident we'll not lose the value for prime connection, however we choose to sanctify it.
More high praise for this piece. I accept. Thank YOU, brother JJ.
They’re easier if you both have good teeth though...!
Off to read this!
This article hits home. When I review my relationships I recognize how I didn't even know how to connect with myself, let alone anyone else.
I think what helped me get better at connection was the friendships I formed with other men. The accountability that came in helped me see where I fell short in previous relationships and has led to a level of honesty and integrity that is essential for a relationship to flourish
I am also a lucky man. I have a Danielle, and we have a version of a Cristina and Damon story. I absolutely knew she was the one, but we had something in the way. Once that was gone, then…then the relationship really upgraded. Like a couple orders of magnitude on something that was already profoundly powerful. And so I hear all the different parts of your story. Would I feel as fulfilled as I do without Danielle? Well, we are told to be the maker of our own happiness, and I get all that. I hear what that stuff is trying to say. But no. I couldn’t have made this happiness by myself. This tier of happiness comes through being with her. Through being understood, regarded, loved—and for me to do the same with her— new dimensions are unlocked that aren’t accessible by oneself. Yes sometimes relationships are hard, but by God, they’re worth it, if they are good and right and true.
I feel this, Adam. It's so hard to know what to say to someone who wants it. Most everything I have to say is no good, but for the fact that I hope they find what they want. Even more, I hope they enjoy the good fortune you and I speak of.