Knowing how to navigate the emotion of anger would have been useful to the inevitability of life's turmoil and struggle, is what I understand you're saying. If I'm tracking correctly, and I believe I am, that sounds like insight to me.
Thank you for noticing my lack of solutions. I am trying very hard not to act like I know. I'm aware that there is a kind of commodification around knowledge, especially online. It's so tempting to grant everyone a therefore, but I'd be bullshitting. I don't have therefores. Not for someone else. Unfortunately, as I see it, we have to discover our own.
You said, "Had there been a man in my life at that age with the wisdom to help me interpret what I was feeling, perhaps this adult me would be less burdened"
I experienced the same. I used to resent my mother a lot for the lack of wisdom, but then I realized much later in life that she herself didn't have those tools. These days, I find it refreshing to say I don't have an answer for that. I may never have one, but I am growing from it. Appreciate you more.
Ha! No, you're not. Not IMHO. I'm just reflecting what I notice you saying.
What I love about your comment is that it highlights the fact that this is a human experience, not one that only men own. I also love that you're connecting with the content, even though I'm writing with men in mind. Feels good to know it's connectable.
I really don't want anyone else to tell me how to be a man and I do see a lot of that happening.
I think the intentions, for the most part, are good, but what stands out at the same time is how prescriptive it is.
"Men need to lead" is probably one of the most prevalent messages I see, from both men and women in this space. I think it's step backwards, and I get why it is shared...it's an easy way to get men in the door for coaching, classes and other services and products. But I wonder how much harm it causes because it reinforces the measurement of men by standards that seem designed to keep us in a narrow and confining box.
This cuts deeply as a son still furious with his father and his father's failings. Granted, there are patterns of abuse and addiction in that relationship that complicate things.
But the wisdom remains - we can't tell each other how to be human beings, much less men. We need support, and care, and normalization of all the developmental stuff that we're simply unprepared for and vulnerable to. Our father's likely did not get this support. We get to offer ourselves that support, and then offer it to others as well.
Our kids will do better than we did in ways we can't imagine yet. I suppose this is how humanity continues to grow up over the ages.
In an unfair way, this reminds me of how we're surprised by two domestic dogs getting in a fight. Really, we're wiser to anticipate this as part of their deeply encoded nature. The surprise is that they're not fighting all the time.
The unfairness of this comparison is that domestic dogs have been evolving for hundreds of thousands of years. Dads have only been evolving seriously for a few decades, if that.
Am I being cheeky? Perhaps. It's not a clean analogy, but I still think it says something.
I read this yesterday, but felt like I had no standing to comment.
Personally, I didn't get guidance on anger or ambition (those weren't 'ladylike').
It would have helped alleviate much of the turmoil and struggle felt in later years.
You’re not claiming to have all the answers, though, and I appreciate that.
You're just honest about what was missing. That is rare and valuable, Damon.
Knowing how to navigate the emotion of anger would have been useful to the inevitability of life's turmoil and struggle, is what I understand you're saying. If I'm tracking correctly, and I believe I am, that sounds like insight to me.
Thank you for noticing my lack of solutions. I am trying very hard not to act like I know. I'm aware that there is a kind of commodification around knowledge, especially online. It's so tempting to grant everyone a therefore, but I'd be bullshitting. I don't have therefores. Not for someone else. Unfortunately, as I see it, we have to discover our own.
Appreciate you, friend. Thank you.
I’m glad I figured this out on my own.
Nothing that was handed to me worked for me growing up.
The parts that did weren’t transmitted in a way I could hear.
Now in my 30s I see how curiosity and guidance through your internal monologue is more helpful.
Coaching. Bringing the unspoken into the realm of the spoken. Viewing and questioning it from all angles.
I’ve learned more from examining my “is” than from anyone else’s “shoulds.”
You get it - I am a rambling mess aren't I?
You said, "Had there been a man in my life at that age with the wisdom to help me interpret what I was feeling, perhaps this adult me would be less burdened"
I experienced the same. I used to resent my mother a lot for the lack of wisdom, but then I realized much later in life that she herself didn't have those tools. These days, I find it refreshing to say I don't have an answer for that. I may never have one, but I am growing from it. Appreciate you more.
Ha! No, you're not. Not IMHO. I'm just reflecting what I notice you saying.
What I love about your comment is that it highlights the fact that this is a human experience, not one that only men own. I also love that you're connecting with the content, even though I'm writing with men in mind. Feels good to know it's connectable.
Have a good weekend Damon :)
I really don't want anyone else to tell me how to be a man and I do see a lot of that happening.
I think the intentions, for the most part, are good, but what stands out at the same time is how prescriptive it is.
"Men need to lead" is probably one of the most prevalent messages I see, from both men and women in this space. I think it's step backwards, and I get why it is shared...it's an easy way to get men in the door for coaching, classes and other services and products. But I wonder how much harm it causes because it reinforces the measurement of men by standards that seem designed to keep us in a narrow and confining box.
I agree. People who want to CAN lead. Most of them shouldn't, though.
I think leadership is fundamentally misunderstood, both in relationship and life
100% this
This cuts deeply as a son still furious with his father and his father's failings. Granted, there are patterns of abuse and addiction in that relationship that complicate things.
But the wisdom remains - we can't tell each other how to be human beings, much less men. We need support, and care, and normalization of all the developmental stuff that we're simply unprepared for and vulnerable to. Our father's likely did not get this support. We get to offer ourselves that support, and then offer it to others as well.
Our kids will do better than we did in ways we can't imagine yet. I suppose this is how humanity continues to grow up over the ages.
Well written, brother. No surprise there.
Thank you, JJ.
In an unfair way, this reminds me of how we're surprised by two domestic dogs getting in a fight. Really, we're wiser to anticipate this as part of their deeply encoded nature. The surprise is that they're not fighting all the time.
The unfairness of this comparison is that domestic dogs have been evolving for hundreds of thousands of years. Dads have only been evolving seriously for a few decades, if that.
Am I being cheeky? Perhaps. It's not a clean analogy, but I still think it says something.
Mmmm. This feels like another piece waiting to emerge. :)